TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're talking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historic society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be large. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed from the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely away from place. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Of course, positive, let us have another place where American Adult men can use robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations unsuccessful under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: provide All people a collection over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly comfortable ability," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It can be that he ought to cease employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the job, replied, "You already know, man, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic folks. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head obvious from space, a function remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and also the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after acquiring the constructing's gold plating mirrored a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not simply unattractive. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Complicated Options


Perhaps the strangest component on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees might contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with climate Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Local Syrians are unsure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-previous Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising System: "In case you Bomb It, They can Come"


The ad marketing campaign, not long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Permanently."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "exactly where's the closest elevator to the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is already attracting focus from Intercontinental traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll invest in 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage may also include things like:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place According to the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort where my PTSD may have change-down company."


An additional put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories suggest:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Ultimate Feelings from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped like the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You are welcome."

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